Charlie and I broke up today.
I did it over the phone, crying from the safety of my office 200 kilometres away.
But it really happened the day we got back home 6 months ago.
July 31, 2004 on our way home
We drove back into Halifax and then started our journey home.
The few things I can remember about making our way back to Toronto are not that interesting in themselves, but I do remember a sustained peace between Charlie and I - maybe because we knew we'd be going back to being us ...to having to deal with eachother or letting eachother go ...because we COULD do that, at home, where it was safe.
Here all we had was eachother.
We had brunch the next day in Quebec city - and Quebec city is beautiful. The old part is so twisty and windy and it scared the crap out of me but I loved it. I loved how it was obvious that a place could give its people their character just as much as people can give a place its character.
Quebec was old and hard and difficult to traverse but it was beautiful and unique...and permanent.
Something I wondered about Charlie and I.
The bloom had long been off the rose by this time, and as I watched him now, when he didn't know I was looking at him, I wondered if he'd thought the same thing about us.
The next day: Excitement in my belly as we hit the stretch of 401 that I recognized.
Excitement and a sweet sick feeling - I can now see the comfort of the desert island dilemma...
the road trip, the shipwreck, the arranged marriage, the incarceration, the fleeing and the lonliness.
The few things I can remember about making our way back to Toronto are not that interesting in themselves, but I do remember a sustained peace between Charlie and I - maybe because we knew we'd be going back to being us ...to having to deal with eachother or letting eachother go ...because we COULD do that, at home, where it was safe.
Here all we had was eachother.
We had brunch the next day in Quebec city - and Quebec city is beautiful. The old part is so twisty and windy and it scared the crap out of me but I loved it. I loved how it was obvious that a place could give its people their character just as much as people can give a place its character.
Quebec was old and hard and difficult to traverse but it was beautiful and unique...and permanent.
Something I wondered about Charlie and I.
The bloom had long been off the rose by this time, and as I watched him now, when he didn't know I was looking at him, I wondered if he'd thought the same thing about us.
The next day: Excitement in my belly as we hit the stretch of 401 that I recognized.
Excitement and a sweet sick feeling - I can now see the comfort of the desert island dilemma...
the road trip, the shipwreck, the arranged marriage, the incarceration, the fleeing and the lonliness.
July 30, 2004 evening
The rest of my trip with Charlie will have to be written from memory, as I stopped journaling after the entry just before this one. I'm not sure why.
I am writing this on May 21, 2009.
Halifax left us looking forward to our journey home.
Before we left Nova Scotia, however, Charlie wanted to visit Peggy's Cove, a little maudlin, but I played along. As we rolled into the sleepy town off the highway, evening was just starting to set in and so we stopped first at the memorial "rock" (best name I can come up with for this place) that honored the victims of the Swissair flight that went down - 229 people died here. It was a little ...appropriate? ...that we were there just as the sun was setting, because in this beautiful place, with the sun shining - it would be hard to imagine such tragedy.
But the dimly lit beach area made us very solemn and the rock or rocks? were set up in a way that made it look like this place was waiting for someone, someones... I do remember that the rocks were very large (or was it one rock?).
When Charlie had had enough silent time, we headed back to the van and drove into the town (proper) of Peggy's Cove. We stopped at the souvenir-slash-post office-slash-restaurant building and parked just in time to see the most beautiful sunset I'd seen in years, maybe decades.
Charlie wanted to get some postcards and mail it there so that the postage stamp would be stamped "Peggy's Cove" - and he sent one to everyone he knew. Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
I am writing this on May 21, 2009.
Halifax left us looking forward to our journey home.
Before we left Nova Scotia, however, Charlie wanted to visit Peggy's Cove, a little maudlin, but I played along. As we rolled into the sleepy town off the highway, evening was just starting to set in and so we stopped first at the memorial "rock" (best name I can come up with for this place) that honored the victims of the Swissair flight that went down - 229 people died here. It was a little ...appropriate? ...that we were there just as the sun was setting, because in this beautiful place, with the sun shining - it would be hard to imagine such tragedy.
But the dimly lit beach area made us very solemn and the rock or rocks? were set up in a way that made it look like this place was waiting for someone, someones... I do remember that the rocks were very large (or was it one rock?).
When Charlie had had enough silent time, we headed back to the van and drove into the town (proper) of Peggy's Cove. We stopped at the souvenir-slash-post office-slash-restaurant building and parked just in time to see the most beautiful sunset I'd seen in years, maybe decades.
Charlie wanted to get some postcards and mail it there so that the postage stamp would be stamped "Peggy's Cove" - and he sent one to everyone he knew. Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
July 30, 2004
Charlie, I have decided, is a worthy opponent.
"... cause maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me..." is playing in the background (Wonderwall by Oasis).
I've had an amazing day. One of the best this whole trip. We went tidal bore rafting this morning, had a great steak for lunch, and then we decided to skip our last night's campsite and head for home. I'm so happy to be going home. I'm getting friendlier by the mile.
The Tall Ships were nice but they weren't so tall and not as cool as I was led to believe. My favourite was the Mexican ship where I got to take a picture with the handsome captain - all other crew looked like clones of Carlos, 5'1" former store manager of #49!
Our second night in Halifax, I had bad pub food and a Keith's beer since they f*#%ing make such a big deal about the only beer they make here in Nova Scotia. All I keep thinking of is that crazy f*#%er in the kilt on the Alexander Keith's commercials.
It was ok, better than the food - good label. Charlie also had one (and I was still painfully aware of how upset he got when I nixed the tour of the brewery on our first night - $10 to walk around and hear how great the beer is!?). Who needs it!? I'd rather buy myself dinner.
"... cause maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me..." is playing in the background (Wonderwall by Oasis).
I've had an amazing day. One of the best this whole trip. We went tidal bore rafting this morning, had a great steak for lunch, and then we decided to skip our last night's campsite and head for home. I'm so happy to be going home. I'm getting friendlier by the mile.
back to catching up... By Wednesday morning we were headed for Halifax and got there in time to have dinner there and walk around the pier. I didn't have to cook - yeh! 2 nights in Halifax and we went out for dinner both nights! I now know why my mother enjoys being taken out so much. I even found my self saying "next time we'll take a different vacation, one where we get waited on hand and foot - no dishes, no cooking".
I could see the look of hurt feelings (I knew it so well) coming across his face - so I quickly recovered the ball - besides I REALLY have enjoyed this time away - but it's nice to change things up.
I could see the look of hurt feelings (I knew it so well) coming across his face - so I quickly recovered the ball - besides I REALLY have enjoyed this time away - but it's nice to change things up.
The Tall Ships were nice but they weren't so tall and not as cool as I was led to believe. My favourite was the Mexican ship where I got to take a picture with the handsome captain - all other crew looked like clones of Carlos, 5'1" former store manager of #49!Our second night in Halifax, I had bad pub food and a Keith's beer since they f*#%ing make such a big deal about the only beer they make here in Nova Scotia. All I keep thinking of is that crazy f*#%er in the kilt on the Alexander Keith's commercials.
It was ok, better than the food - good label. Charlie also had one (and I was still painfully aware of how upset he got when I nixed the tour of the brewery on our first night - $10 to walk around and hear how great the beer is!?). Who needs it!? I'd rather buy myself dinner.
Having not been completely satisfied with dinner, I was determined to get a Beaver's Tail for dessert - pure heaven! Deep fried pastry with sugar & cinnamon sprinkled on + lemon squeezed over it. Charlie took 2 bites of mine but was sulking as he was tired and wanted to go back to the van to sleep (in the parking lot one street up from the harbour - actually pretty cool digs).
July 29, 2004
I can't believe I haven't written since Monday! Of course, talking to you yesterday was kind of my therapy writing for the day. We stayed in Grosse Morne on Monday night. It is a beautiful national park with so many things to do. We went on 2 hikes, checked out the pond at Water Brook pond (?) it's supposed to be the purest lake in the world, almost completely surrounded by mountains. We also stayed (that night) in Shallow Bay - it's 4km of white sandy beach. Tuesday afternoon we found ourselves heading for the ferry at Port aux Basques, to go back to Nova Scotia and civilization.
Note: re: the purest lake. I wanted to pee in it just to keep it from disappointment later when someone else would be sure to defile its purity - and funnily enough, you mentioned that on the phone, days later, and Charlie and I joked about it at the time.
Note: re: the purest lake. I wanted to pee in it just to keep it from disappointment later when someone else would be sure to defile its purity - and funnily enough, you mentioned that on the phone, days later, and Charlie and I joked about it at the time.
July 26, 2004 3:00pm-ish
Before I continue about Sunday's activity I'll talk about this moment. Charlie is in the back looking at the engine because the oil sound just went off. He sat in the doorway that was open which let in a very large fly which still may be in the van laying thousands of eggs as I write this! I said something about letting all the flies in and why don't you come in and sit down and he gives me the look of death. He gets up, slams the door and goes and sits on the curb. This would normally be an invitation to dance, so to speak. I'd be indignant and say in a loud voice "what?!" or "why the look?" or "you're being so mean, blah blah blah..." But instead I said nothing - he belted out a few commands and as I sat waiting without asking what was going on, it occured to me:
(a) Charlie was still a boy finding his own way, finding out how to just BE or maybe it was his thing to do in this life (as per my astrology for the soul book) - to fight back and create boundaries. But not for me.
(b) I need to let go needing to be right and righteous all the time.
Admittedly, I could have killed him where he stood with the swell of anger that ran through me at that moment. But it went away just as quickly. Thus ends the story of how Charlie came very close to death in Badger, Newfoundland. How close, he'll never know.
Incidentally, by my keeping quiet, he quickly came around and even asked if he could get me anything from the store up the road. Lord in heaven, I have stumbled upon something as valuable as the fountain of youth!
(a) Charlie was still a boy finding his own way, finding out how to just BE or maybe it was his thing to do in this life (as per my astrology for the soul book) - to fight back and create boundaries. But not for me.
(b) I need to let go needing to be right and righteous all the time.
Admittedly, I could have killed him where he stood with the swell of anger that ran through me at that moment. But it went away just as quickly. Thus ends the story of how Charlie came very close to death in Badger, Newfoundland. How close, he'll never know.
Incidentally, by my keeping quiet, he quickly came around and even asked if he could get me anything from the store up the road. Lord in heaven, I have stumbled upon something as valuable as the fountain of youth!
July 25, 2004 Bedtime
So much to catch up on - so, where did I leave off? Friday we looked around St. John's some more, got an oil change, rode our bikes and I insisted (when Charlie the tri-athlete wanted to ride the bikes up Signal Hill) that we dismount and go to pick up the van. We seem to start fights like a fire throws sparks off.. but we're getting better at making friends sooner, afterwards.
Sue Sue, you would love St. John's and Newfoundland, the kind of house you're looking for is all over this province. We finished off Friday with dinner at a good local cheap place and I had Fish & Chips (fresh cod). The night before, I had pan-fried cod - very good.
We woke up Saturday morning in Butler Pot - what a cute place! I could hear the loons calling. I feel pretty loony right now, I'm discovering how accurate that Astrology for the Soul book was. I DO always need to be right! It's why Charlie seems to react to me like fire to fuel... I'm practising the art of letting go. On Friday, when we went up to Signal Hill and then over to Fort Amherst overlooking St. John's harbour, I truly became envious of muffin-head and could only think, how lucky she is to come from such a beautiful place.
On Saturday we went back into St. John's and finished touring the city. Charlie bought me a beautiful necklace and earrings set made with lapis lazuli stone, very appropriate for me as it is supposed to aid in meditation and opening up your third eye; also good for intuition and something .... obviously not improving your memory.
I wanted to get going Saturday so that we wouldn't get to Terra Nova late - supposed to be a beautiful Provincial Park and huge ...the Trans Canada goes right through if for a while.
With St. John's finally behind us, I prepared some steaks for dinner when we got to Terra Nova and broke open the bottle of wine that I got along the way, at a gas station. I love that! ..that you could pick up your wine while you're filling up your car.
Looking back so far at the week I have been away, I cannot fathom, with all we've done, that I've only missed 5 days of work. It feels like I've been away for months. Our steak and wine dinner went very well as I ended up drinking most of the wine. The Argentinian wine did the trick. I became a lot friendlier! With no water or an advil before passing out, I was very achy the next morning. I walked to the bathroom very early in the morning. Near the bathroom (from somewhere in the bushes) a growling sound was present - I immediately thought, "bear!" - then after pausing, waiting, I realized it was some freak that was snoring way too loud from inside his tent.
Sunday morning was a sleep in. Laundry, reading the paper (St. John's "the Telegram") and drinking coffee. Charlie and I need to get better at having longer stretches of peacetime because when we argue it really scares me. I will fill you in on more of Sunday tomorrow but one memory from the day - I was roasting marshmallows after dinner and I got a really good 'skin' (when you roast the outside, pull the skin off and continue to roast the inside left-over)... and I said out loud "now THAT'S life - a roasting marshmallow". Very simple. Very easy to live by. Charlie and I sat together in front of the fire - we still had a spat close to bedtime - but we are, as of this moment, friends.
Sue Sue, you would love St. John's and Newfoundland, the kind of house you're looking for is all over this province. We finished off Friday with dinner at a good local cheap place and I had Fish & Chips (fresh cod). The night before, I had pan-fried cod - very good.
We woke up Saturday morning in Butler Pot - what a cute place! I could hear the loons calling. I feel pretty loony right now, I'm discovering how accurate that Astrology for the Soul book was. I DO always need to be right! It's why Charlie seems to react to me like fire to fuel... I'm practising the art of letting go. On Friday, when we went up to Signal Hill and then over to Fort Amherst overlooking St. John's harbour, I truly became envious of muffin-head and could only think, how lucky she is to come from such a beautiful place.
On Saturday we went back into St. John's and finished touring the city. Charlie bought me a beautiful necklace and earrings set made with lapis lazuli stone, very appropriate for me as it is supposed to aid in meditation and opening up your third eye; also good for intuition and something .... obviously not improving your memory.
I wanted to get going Saturday so that we wouldn't get to Terra Nova late - supposed to be a beautiful Provincial Park and huge ...the Trans Canada goes right through if for a while.
With St. John's finally behind us, I prepared some steaks for dinner when we got to Terra Nova and broke open the bottle of wine that I got along the way, at a gas station. I love that! ..that you could pick up your wine while you're filling up your car.
Looking back so far at the week I have been away, I cannot fathom, with all we've done, that I've only missed 5 days of work. It feels like I've been away for months. Our steak and wine dinner went very well as I ended up drinking most of the wine. The Argentinian wine did the trick. I became a lot friendlier! With no water or an advil before passing out, I was very achy the next morning. I walked to the bathroom very early in the morning. Near the bathroom (from somewhere in the bushes) a growling sound was present - I immediately thought, "bear!" - then after pausing, waiting, I realized it was some freak that was snoring way too loud from inside his tent.
Sunday morning was a sleep in. Laundry, reading the paper (St. John's "the Telegram") and drinking coffee. Charlie and I need to get better at having longer stretches of peacetime because when we argue it really scares me. I will fill you in on more of Sunday tomorrow but one memory from the day - I was roasting marshmallows after dinner and I got a really good 'skin' (when you roast the outside, pull the skin off and continue to roast the inside left-over)... and I said out loud "now THAT'S life - a roasting marshmallow". Very simple. Very easy to live by. Charlie and I sat together in front of the fire - we still had a spat close to bedtime - but we are, as of this moment, friends.
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